Gigi Blog » The life and loveliness of Gigi's World

Gigi Blog bio picture
  • Welcome to the Gigi Blog!

    Blessed to be a mother to half a dozen girls & one boy. Wife of an undertaker.
    Photographer. Homeschooler. Daughter of the King. Chicken and goat raiser.
    Lover of Jesus and all things pink and vintage. ♥

7 Days 💙

  “When God lays a new-born babe in the arms of a mother, he says to her heart,
“Take this child and nurse it for me and I will give you your wages.”
The answer of maternal love should be,
‘Oh God, you have put your noblest workmanship into my hands. I accept the precious trust.
I will shelter this young life under your mercy-seat.
I will be truthful that it may never learn falsehood.
I will nurse this soul in its infancy with the sincere milk of love,
that in after years it may bear strong meat for strong service of God and righteousness.
Oh, Heavenly Father, make my life in harmony with yourself,
that this young life may reflect your blessed image in following my example!’
To such pious fidelity—God offers the highest wages;
he pays the heart’s claim, in the heart’s own coin.”

~ Theodore Cuyler, 1896




Today marks one week in which  precious Loyal has joined our family.

Oh my, how can I explain how lovely and delightful and wonderful it feels it is to hold your little newborn? I’m sure all mothers can remember that incredible feeling of having your little ones bundled in your arms, snuggled against your chest, protected from the world’s cares against your bosom.

Having our 8th baby has swelled my heart to yet again another size – to hold more love for all the children in our family, to have more patience for all the little ones (they are only little for a while, right, mothers?) and to be a more faithful, consistent, gentle mother and wife. You truly cannot hold a newborn in your arms and have a harsh attitude or critical outlook or a sour expression.
It just doesn’t work together – at all.



When Abby comes home from work, with the troubles of the world weighing on his shoulders, I hand him our little baby. Not because I do not want to hold Loyal – not because I am busy and need my hands free (that is why slings were created!) – not because I “need a break” – but because I think babies are somewhat healing in some ways.


They make you sit … stop, breathe, relax and ponder as you stare down at their delicate fingers and pretty little faces … their tiny toes and gentle, sighing breaths. They are little wonders from Heaven. Our children are also in love with Loyal. We love each and every baby that comes into the family – each new baby added is just as exciting. It is wonderful to see our family grow this way yet again…

To those who are waiting for a baby, I will pray for your arms and heart to be filled.
For those who have lost a baby, I will pray for healing and peace in your hearts.
For those who have rejected a baby, I will pray for your heart to be softened and for you to see the blessing and wonderful work of the Father in the little ones He brings forth.
For those who have arms full and busy lives with lots of children, I will pray for patience, love to fill your hearts and for you to be encouraged in your daily work.

September 27, 2017 - 11:37 pm

Regina Shea - Loyal is such a beautiful baby! I keep trying not to kiss the screen!

September 27, 2017 - 11:36 am

Gigi - Nicole, I will be praying for you!

September 27, 2017 - 10:13 am

Nicole - Your post was beautiful. You are truly blessed. Thank you for your prayer. We have been trying for 13 months for a baby.

September 27, 2017 - 10:05 am

Gigi - Katy, agree! 🙂

September 27, 2017 - 10:05 am

Gigi - Thank you, Sarah. I am so sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for you today. You have been on my heart for the past few months.

September 27, 2017 - 8:26 am

Sarah - Loyal is so precious! What a sweet post. : ) Thank you for the prayer you have shared. It touched my heart as I long to have another baby and lost a baby this year.

September 27, 2017 - 5:55 am

Katy - So, so sweet! 🙂

Our Blessing Has Arrived …

Abby and I are so pleased to let you all know … our sweet baby BOY has arrived … straight, fresh from Heaven, smelling all delicious and lovely and completely adored by his big family …
Loyal Albert Kenneth is here, snuggled warmly in my lap, sighing sweet little sighs of joy … a piece of our family puzzle knit so perfectly in the womb by God’s hands …


His birth was wonderful … and I would like to record it as a memory for myself, to remind myself of the sweet, precious quiet details that are often forgotten in the busy-ness of life …

Loyal is our biggest baby yet! Born Tuesday, September 19th, at 3:56 a.m. – 6 lbs 10 oz – his size was a sure shock and surprise to us all! He has lovely dark hair and chubby cheeks and smells of Heaven. More than once, the girls have asked why does Loyal smell so sweet? Because, of course, he is straight from Heaven, I replied …


Things have been busy around here since Loyal’s birth, but it also has been lovely. In same ways, it has reminded me a bit of the Waltons … as family pops in and visits and the days are filled with love from family and coffee mugs are strewn across the long kitchen table, hyper, happy children line the benches at the table, excited with all the attention of the event. As Abby runs a very sensitive business (the funeral home), you cannot just choose your time off – if there is a need, he is there. This week has been busy at the funeral home and a very emotional one at that. My husband has had to work (picture the old days … when men did not get breaks from work and life just continues) but his mom has come over every day to help around the home.  Last night, as she took the girls and Lazer for a bumpy golf cart ride through the fields behind the house, I sat holding baby Loyal and watched the children, while indulging in a delicious slice of homemade blackberry pie (lovingly made by my mom)  … the children were loud and laughing, silly … the sun was setting quickly behind them, disappearing beneath the canopy of the back forest and I thanked God. Again. He has blessed us.



A favorite verse:
A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow,
because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child,
she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world.

John 16:21

P.S. I would love to post more photos but there, of course, has to be a little technology glitch and I cannot retrieve the photos off the card right now. I will post some as soon as I can figure out the glitch…

September 30, 2017 - 5:40 pm

Gigi - Molly, what a sweet thing to say. I’m humbled.

September 27, 2017 - 10:07 am

Gigi - Caitlin, thank you for your kind words… a post on clothing would be fun to do, indeed! I have thought about writing about a certain topic of clothing but have not written it fully.

September 27, 2017 - 10:06 am

Gigi - Courtney, how *lovely* to hear from you! I’m delighted you named your little girl Lyla! My Lyla was excited to hear this. We’d love to see you again, one day! Enjoy your motherhood journey!

September 27, 2017 - 10:06 am

Gigi - Thank you!

September 27, 2017 - 5:50 am

Katy - Congratulations! I’m so happy for your family! What a blessing indeed!

September 25, 2017 - 5:24 pm

Chipmunk - He is beautiful, and a wonderful gift from heaven! Congratulations to all!

September 24, 2017 - 6:45 pm

Courtney - Hi Gillian, I looked you up to see if you were still doing photography & came across this beautiful blog you have going ! Your family has grown so much & it is so so beautiful. I think of you guys often. I have two girls of my own now Lyla & Laura. Hmm I wonder where I fell in love with that name lol
Congratulations <3 Sending Love.

From Courtney
{ Your first two lovely girls babysitter }

September 24, 2017 - 2:01 pm

Caitlin - Congratulations on your newest dear blessing! What a sweet and beautiful boy! The Lord has blessed you and your family with another little darling. I must say, I always admire how beautifully you dress. You always look so feminine and lovely. When things settle down for you (haha) it would be lovely if you would write a post about your wardrobe.

September 24, 2017 - 7:51 am

molly - Your family is beautiful in a way that is unlike the rest of the world. Seeing you raise your children to enjoy the beautiful simplicities of life and also in your faith, is reminder of the way I was raised and is so encouraging to me as I raise my own girls. Thank you for putting it out there to encourage others. Congratulations on your new addition, hope you’re feeling well too!

September 24, 2017 - 4:04 am

Rebecca - PS: I laughed out loud when you said he was your biggest baby at 6lb 10oz. My smallest baby was 8lbs 12oz and my biggest was 9lbs 14oz! How in the world are you so lucky!?! Haha!!!

September 24, 2017 - 3:47 am

Rebecca - Oh my goodness how wonderful!!!! Another boy, and I LOVE his name! Congrats!!!!

September 23, 2017 - 6:49 pm

Tara C - Congratulations!!!! Who would have thought that you would have not one, but TWO little boys after a string of girls 🙂 I love that he was born in the wee hours of the morning too, just as you had prayed he would be! I remember chatting when you just had 3 (or maybe 4) little ones and I had just found out that I was pregnant with baby #3.

September 23, 2017 - 3:01 pm

Maike - Congratulations to your little boy. How beautiful he is, but then all of your babies look beautiful and they all smile. They must know from the very first moment in what a loving warm family they have been born. And how caring and close-knit all your family always being there to help out. You’re truly blessed – I just adore your family! 🙂

September 23, 2017 - 12:39 pm

The newburys - So so wonderful!! Congratulations and so happy for you all!

September 23, 2017 - 3:04 am

Teresa - Congratulations; what a handsome gift from God, his cute little smile and those cheeks ~oh my

September 22, 2017 - 10:34 pm

Our Home of Many Blessings - Congrats Gillian!!!! He is amazing! I bet your kiddos are just thrilled!Now we have the same amount of wonderful kiddos!!

September 22, 2017 - 8:15 pm

Sarah Kukucska - Your family is so beautiful, I have been following your blog for years. You are an inspiration to me. I have 4 of my own and my boyfriend has 2. I love reading your blog and seeing your beautiful photos, we live in Mansfield. Congrats on your beautiful baby boy. <3

September 22, 2017 - 8:14 pm

sarah - Your family is so beautiful, I have been following your blog for years. You are an inspiration to me. I have 4 of my own and my boyfriend has 2. I love reading your blog and seeing your beautiful photos, we live in Mansfield. Congrats on your beautiful baby boy. <3

September 22, 2017 - 6:44 pm

Rachel Joy - Congratulations on the birth of sweet Loyal! Such a nice surprise to read today. <3

September 22, 2017 - 4:43 pm

Lauren - Blessings to you, Gillian! What a darling baby boy! Love from us all ❤️

September 22, 2017 - 1:53 pm

Claire - Makes me smile reading your post. Very happy for you and your family. He’s just beautiful.

September 21, 2017 - 5:00 pm

Gigi - Thank you, Jen! Lacey read the name in a Mennonite magazine that had birth announcements… and we all took a liking to it. His middle names are his dad’s and my dad’s names.

September 21, 2017 - 4:20 pm

Jen Heemskerk - Congratulations on another sweet boy!!! A brother for Lazarus!!! This is such incredible news! How did you come up with the name Loyal? It’s so unique. In the one photo, I see a resemblance to Lacey little bit (maybe it’s his lips!=) ) Anyway, rest well and enjoy the new baby stage once again! Congrats!

September 21, 2017 - 3:15 pm

Gigi - Thank you, Sarah!

September 21, 2017 - 3:14 pm

Gigi - Thank you, Regina! P.S. Maybe I wrote that funny – will check my wording!

September 21, 2017 - 2:15 pm

Courtney - Congratulations on another little boy! What a blessi g!

September 21, 2017 - 2:07 pm

Regina Shea - Oh Gigi he’s gorgeous! Congratulations to you all! Oh and I wasnt wearing my glasses when you wrote about the blackberry pie. I read it as ” I sat holding baby Loyal, watching “him”, eating a slice of homemade blackberry pie”. I’m like what? Then I realized what you actually wrote. LOL!
Blackberry pie sounds so lovely!

September 21, 2017 - 1:04 pm

Sarah - What a precious little boy!! Congratulations to you and your family. His name is beautiful too!

When Having Baby #8 is Not the Same as {Shelling Peas}

I had to laugh the other day as a dear friend expressed a comment that someone had said to her, when she had told them our family was about to have baby #8.

“Well, I guess at that point, it’s like shelling peas …”


Well, let me just say- with a smile and some grace to the one who would think such a funny thought – giving birth each time is a blessing and a gift from God. However, it is not easier, quicker, faster or more fun to deliver and be in labour. And I write this as I sit on the edge of my seat, waiting for God to pick a timing for our little one to arrive (officially 37 weeks as Monday!). Each birth is one I thank God for and my husband and I are truly grateful to God for our children!

Yet, that does not make each long pregnancy, every intense, pain filled labour or even messy-grace-filled parenting any easier. We still have our challenges in parenting – oh my, do we ever – and I still have terrible pains while in labour {I am blessed with good labours, but they are still painful!} … babies do not just pop out as some would imagine …. Labour is called labour for a reason, right, ladies?

However, with the pain and the discomfort of each pregnancy, the expectation of the agony of labour and the worry that goes along with it (will this baby be healthy? Will the birth go okay? Will there be complications? How will we adjust afterwards? Will it be chaotic? Will I get everything done that needs to get done?), I would not trade it for an easier life. Why?

{Oh dear, just as I was caught up with most of my canning, a large lot of tomatoes are ripening in the garden…
I will take it as a blessing!}

I suppose I truly do see these precious babies that are born into our family as little wrapped up gifts from Heaven. Why God would choose to bless our family eight times in a row is beyond me, as we are humble parents, still learning, still fumbling through life and still praying for forgiveness when we make mistakes. Abby and I fail at much in parenting, we are still learning as we go (aren’t we all?) and we are, by far, still sinners. Yet, this journey is wonderful and blessed and filled with lovely surprises, often many challenges, followed by daily joys.

Like tight hugs from your one year old when he sees you sitting and wraps his arms around your neck.
Or the silly, toddler chatter from your three year old as she tells you about her imaginary friend, Violet.
Like the joy you see in your 5 year old’s eyes when you tell her she did a GREAT job at making her bed.
… the gappy-toothy-smile from your six year old who is the sweetest thing to grace our family.
… the eager questions and delight in God’s natural kingdom from your eight year old, intrigued with everything God has placed on this earth.
… the intense strength and strong character of your 11 year old, who just wants to be unique and original.
and the gentle grace and goodness of your 13 year old’s sweet spirit, as she grows and learns how to transform gracefully into a young lady.

No, I would not trade this life for all the riches, all the world traveling, all the money, all the fortune, a fancy house, easier work schedule, more free time, more career time, more “me” time … I would not trade it for anything.

God’s grace is plentiful, thankfully. He has chosen Abby & I to raise these precious children for Him and so we do. We raise them up with the prayer and hope that they will love the Lord with ALL their heart, serve Him and show the world where their hope is to be found – in Jesus! There is no other greater joy than to pray that our children will grow to serve the Lord with all their hearts.

And so, now, as we await the upcoming birth of our precious baby, which happens, yes, to be baby #8, it is still the same fear, the same unknown, the same excitement and the same pain as, perhaps, baby #5 or so. It is labour –  but there is relief and joy and abundant blessings and a fountain of love and peace after the baby is born. All week long I have mentally struggled with feeling nervous over this birth, but I know those thoughts are from Satan and not from God! I know God has this birth plan all laid out and I will TRUST Him to bring forth our baby in His perfect will and timing.

Often, while in labour, I will find myself praying out loud. I just can’t help it. That is where my physical strength will come from and I will need to cry out to the Lord … in my rawest pain and with my sincerest cry for help, it will be to the Lord. Not to my husband to help me, not to my midwife, but to Jesus.

I am SO excited to meet our little one when the time comes. I am so delighted to introduce our new baby to the excited sisters and little boy-who-has-no-idea-what-is-to come. I am honored to be a mother and to be a parent. I am blessed beyond measure. And I am thankful. Even for the pain of each labour and the changes in body and life. I would not trade it for the world.

{a batch of make-ahead-muffin-mix for the fridge
For recipe, see below}


P.S. A home birth is planned, but of course, God holds all those details in His hands. If it is to be at home, then we need to move three children from the designated room so I can have access to bathtub, which is in the bathroom attached to the girls’ room. The best case scenario will be if all the children sleep through the birth, even while we move them from their room and place them quietly elsewhere in the house. I am praying all goes smoothy. I have not had a birth in the daytime in a long time so I am hoping this is a night birth, as well. What fun to have the children wake up in the morning and rush in and meet their new sibling!

Recipe for Make-Ahead Fridge Muffin Mix:

9 cups of flour
2 cups of brown sugar
8 teaspoons of baking powder
2 teaspoons of baking soda
pinch of salt

4 cups of buttermilk
1 1/4 of oil/yogurt/applesauce
3 teaspoons of vanilla extract
6 eggs, lightly beaten.

Mix dry and wet ingredients separately.
Once stirred, add dry to wet ingredients, mixing gently. Cover and refrigerate for up to a week.

To use, just scoop out what you need. Place in a greased or lined muffin tin.
You may add in what you wish for the muffins …
…apple chunks, cranberries, peaches, nutmeg and oatmeal, coconut, flax seeds,
chocolate chips and more. Bake at 350 F. for 20-25 minutes.

If the recipe yields to much mix for your liking, feel free to half the recipe.
Or use up the extra batter to bless a neighbour or friend in need.

September 25, 2017 - 12:26 pm

Pianogirl - This is lovely ❤️

September 20, 2017 - 6:35 pm

Lori Speare - Thank you for your encouraging words. I too have been struggling this week as I prepare for our upcoming birth in a few weeks. Spending some time meditating on scripture and praying has brought a peace. Thankful for a God who has gone before us in every situation.

September 20, 2017 - 2:19 pm

Claire - Sending you good thoughts and best wishes xoxo

September 20, 2017 - 10:46 am

Rebecca - So exciting!

September 20, 2017 - 7:16 am

Katy - Such a beautiful post! 🙂

Hoping for a beautiful labor and delivery for you! The Lord has most certainly blessed your family! 🙂

September 18, 2017 - 10:07 am

Lynda Lu Gibb - An exciting time for you.. Praying with you today.. your due date that Jesus will grace all of you with a wonderful experience welcoming your new blessing.

September 18, 2017 - 9:02 am

Brenda (Gigi's Mom) - Gillian, I am blessed beyond measure when I read your words and writings! So excited for the upcoming birth but of course, as your mom, I am concerned for the pain you will experience. And of course, I too will be calling out to Jesus to help you and to give you strength and endurance. Love you lots xoxo

September 18, 2017 - 4:40 am

Megan - Absolutely ❤ this.

{Almost} Turkey Time

Do you remember the pictures of our tiny turkeys from a few months ago?






Well, here is Lacey’s turkey – nearly grown up. He’s a good size but our friends’ turkeys, which are from the same hatch, are even bigger!


They still have one month to grow. Will this turkey, aptly named Mr. Gobblepants, remain for winter or not?

Time will tell.
[Really, it’s up to daddy … I’m voting to keep this turkey over winter …]

September 15, 2017 - 6:52 am

Gigi - Yes, raising him for meat was the point, so ….. the only way he’d stay is if he had a mate and they could promise us fertile eggs for spring for more turkeys….

September 14, 2017 - 10:27 pm

L - Eat him for thanksgiving!!! It will be so yummy. Oh I can just taste that fresh, home farm raised meat.
But I know it would be sad to say goodbye…
It’s a toss up!!

School Begins and Other Happenings


{This may be a rambling post as I have not had as much time to post lately…I do hope that is okay!}




And so it is September – one of the most beautiful months of the year, I believe.

The days are still so lovely and filled with the warmth of the sun and yet the evenings are cooler and require a toasty warm sweater and some wooly socks. I’m almost tempted to start up my cozy cookstove in the mornings, but we have to do a proper chimney clean and a stove clean out the opening of the stove will wait until such a chore happens. We have been busy around our little home, as well, working on small and big projects, getting things ready for the cooler months, working on the last of the garden and yes, beginning “formal” school (although I do like to think we school all the time in life, but the math books and grammar books were officially opened as of today).


{This is not a formal back to school shot – but an end of evening,
everyone-is-sun-kissed-tired-and-ready for the bath shot! Sometimes those are my favorites. Look at those happy faces!
So blessed!}

The girls have helped me gather some of the herbs left in the garden – we tied them in bunches and dry them in a dark corner of the kitchen. These happy, bright calendula flowers were grown from seeds collected from Lacey’s 14 year old friend. Dried, they will make a lovely healing salve for many uses on the skin.

Her friend collected the seeds last fall and gifted some to Lacey in a simple white envelope. In the spring, Lacey sowed the seeds – we were delighted to receive such a beautiful, useful gift! Lacey, in turn, will collect the seeds from some of the flowers as they die off and replant next year, as well as save some for gifting to other young girls wishing to start their own herb garden.

{one of my favorite herbal books – it is not so New Age filled as other books,
but contains simple straight forward facts about hundreds of various herbs}

Just yesterday, Lazarus and I sat in the herb garden, warmed by the afternoon sun, and watched the pretty honey bees dance from vibrant, purple hyssop flower to another hyssop flower. He watched with delight and awe – I warned him not to touch the bees, as I could see his little fingers wanting to reach out and explore, but he listened, thankfully. Bumblebees were everywhere, as well, gathering nectar for one of the last few weeks of the year. The wind was blowing through the pine trees and the fluffy clouds were briskly moving across the September sky. It is in those moments that my heart truly thank God for a chance to live in this tiny piece of land. It feels so right to have the children grow up this way – I know this is not the only way to raise a child, but in a busy world with many alternatives to raising a family,  this country life feels so comfortable, home-like, for which I am so grateful.

{gathering hyssop}


Our tomatoes are, thankfully, still ripening, although very slowly – and although it is not the same amount as last year all at once, it is still a good number of tomatoes to work through. Today, after we finished our morning school routine, I managed to cut up a bushel of ripe Roma tomatoes and nearly a half bushel of peppers [purchased from a local store, as our garden did not produce many peppers for the size of our family] for another batch of tomato sauce. A hearty, healthy tomato sauce is something you just cannot have enough of – you can use it for everything – even to make a yummy soup, if you so desire in the winter months! Another important tomato resource would be simply chopped or diced tomatoes, canned as they are. Nothing fancy but they are very handy when creating your own sauce, dishes and such in the middle of a long winter. Surely you can taste the difference between home canned tomatoes and store bought when you are served a dish!



Yesterday, I was able to make a batch of ketchup for winter, as the girls do enjoy it. Last year’s batch did not turn out as thick as I would have wanted so I turned it into a tomato soup. However, this year, it turned out much thicker and tastes more like the real deal.

Here is the recipe, gathered from Home Joys:


Homemade Ketchup

1/2 bushel of tomatoes (I used Roma)
2 1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
2 large onions, chopped
1 T mixed pickling spice
2 cups brown sugar
1/2 tsp cloves
1/2 tsp cinnamon
6 T. salt

Add tomato juice and vinegar together in large pot and cook, reducing your tomatoes as much as required for your taste. Place pickling spice in a cheesecloth bag and place in juice. Boil for one hour. Stir often to avoid burning!
Saute onions in a little tomato juice, then add to your big pot of tomato sauce/juice.
I used an immersion blender to puree the ketchup and onions.
Add sugar, cloves, cinnamon, and salt. Boil for fifteen more minutes.
Remove cheesecloth bag.
If your sauce is not smooth enough, puree longer or run through a food mill.
Wipe rims and place in clean, warm jars.
Water bath can for ten minutes.

Lovelyn has patiently waited all summer for her sunflowers to bloom – she was rightly pleased this week when their happy faces burst forth to the sunshine.

I never appreciated sunflowers until lately. Now, I would love to plant a whole section of happy, go-lucky-sunflowers for September enjoyment. They are so lively and joyful!


It will soon be time to harvest our honey from our precious honey bees. Contrary to last year, we had minimal bee stings this year (I think I can, thankfully, recall only five stings) – last year was much worse. Perhaps we are remembering to watch the ground more closely as we walk barefoot or perhaps the bees found their way around the fields about us. We are certainly grateful for fewer stings!




September 8, 2017 - 3:17 pm

Gigi - Lauren, how funny – I have a subscription to that magazine. It is my FAVORITE! I borrowed some back copies from some Mennonite friends and tried to write down as many recipes as I could before returning them. I am still trying to find a way to purchase back copies but shipping is very expensive to Canada. So glad you love the magazine too! It is the best I have ever read!

September 8, 2017 - 1:22 pm

Lauren - I read home joys too! Gina writes quite often in a magazine called Keepers at Home, and it is a lovely, most encouraging magazine! I actually wanted to send you an extra copy of one… I’m sure you would appreciate and enjoy it
Your sunflowers are huge! They are so beautiful

September 8, 2017 - 10:23 am

Katy - Such a lovely post! My sister makes homemade ketchup as well (she has a child with food allergies so likes to make things from scratch as much as possible to make sure it is safe). Your ketchup looks wonderful! I must admit, I have never tried to make homemade ketchup before but I should! 🙂

Your sunflowers look fantastic! I planted some this year…but unfortuanately they didn’t take off…at all! 🙁 BUT my pumpkins are doing wonderful! I have a total of 5. A couple of which are quite large! 🙂 I am loving seeing them grow!

Have a lovely weekend!

September 8, 2017 - 6:04 am

maike - How tall the sunflowers are! The sunflowers growing on the farmer’s fields here are only about an adult’s size. What are you going to use the hyssop flowers for? Aren’t older books the better ones? I really put more trust into the vintage books, because I’m afraid that the helpful ones are on purpose getting erased from books.