“One of the marks of a feminine woman is refinement, which implies good social breeding.
This means to be tactful, courteous, diplomatic, considerate, sensitive to the feelings of others,
and the picture of propriety, good taste and graciousness. A refined person is careful not to offend anyone,
is never rude, impolite, inconsiderate, crude, coarse or vulgar.”
-Fascinating Womanhood
Raising six daughters has certainly changed my broad view of womanhood over the course of the years.
Not only am I responsible for the training bringing up {Lord willing!} future mothers and wives, but this specific shoe must fit my own foot. I remember a definite moment in time, years ago, when I looked at my four year old daughter in her jeans and t-shirt and thought, “Something’s not right with these outfits… she’s dressed the same as a boy!”
I immediately felt convicted on clothing styles for all of my daughters …
It was then that we started to modify our wardrobes (I have blogged about our clothing choices in the past, so I will move on from this topic…) .. get rid of anything that was too tight or revealing (even at a young age, girls need to trained and guided) but it was mostly a lot of house cleaning, not only in my own wardrobe, but also in my personal convictions.
If I wanted to raise refined ladies, then I needed to work on my own standards of refinement.
For example: If I didn’t want my girls to be on social media, why would *I* be on Facebook?
If I didn’t want my daughters wearing certain types of clothing for modesty reasons, the same standard fell on my shoulders – shoulder that would no longer bear tank tops or anything too revealing.
My personal goals were quickly changed as we progressed into a family of little women.
Now, with older daughters in the home, we’re also working on refinement of a womanly character. We certainly have been working on that for years, but it seems they are finally noticing the difference between a woman of the regular-every-day-world and a refined woman. And in this instance, we’re not necessarily talking about spiritual differences, although I’m sure it plays a role in your overall character. However, we are referring to the ways of a woman who is characterized as refined and reserved, a picture of femininity.
This current world is super casual and very much promotes aggressive women. Woman are encouraged to be bold, loud and independent, to say whatever comes to their minds. They have a right, so they say, to let the world “hear them roar” … females are rarely encouraged to be feminine, gentle and different than men (which, ladies, *is* a good thing!).
I believe Christian women have to be contrary to the world in so many ways. We need to go back to being women and not manly.
In a world where women and men do not seem very different in clothing styles and body language, this is something the girls and I have been watching and noticing closely.
What makes a woman appear ladylike?
Contrary to this, what makes her appear manlike?
How are you walking when you walk across the room or exit church?
Are you slumped over and hunched when sitting at the table?
Are you overly loud and aggressive on your conversations?
Are you standing up straight and tall with a healthy posture?
When it comes to sitting, are you slumping into chairs and spreading out taking up more room than needed?
Here are a few points that we believe will show refinement of feminine character:
💕 Watch your speech.
“Don’t talk too loud. And don’t let your voice suggest mannish efficiency or coarse boldness. No man likes a corse, loud or vulgar tone in a woman any more than a woman likes an effeminate tone in a man.”
-Fascinating Womanhood
The first habit we have noticed that is not becoming of a lady is loud speech or taking over a conversation in a room. Not only should you not dominate the conversation, but you should also be careful with what words come out of your mouth. Slang words are not lady-like, swear words are a definitely not allowed and even teasing or harsh comments can and should be avoided. Your speech should be lovely and gentle. Are you louder than your husband? Maybe it is time to train yourself to be quieter.
When with a group of friends, are you the loudest in the group? Do you allow others to have a turn in the conversation? Does your voice dominate the room? Does your voice sound annoying and brash?
I’m a natural chatty person, although I do not prefer large crowds, but this has been a learning curve for me. After some training, I now will gladly sit back and allow someone else to dominate the conversation. I’m quite content not to reveal too much during chats with friends and will happily listen to others.
💕 Watch your body language.
“Avoid stiff, brusque movements. Don’t wave your hands in the air or use them firmly in expressing yourself. Never pound on the table to put over a point. Never slap anyone on the back. Learn how to shake hands with men.”
One thing the girls and I have learned is to keep your knees together while sitting, and if possible, tuck your ankles together, as well. Avoid slumping over at the table, especially during meal times. How you present your hands, how you walk into a room, how you sit, all can make a difference in the outward refinement of a woman. I once read in a book that a woman should try to take up as ‘little room’ as possible, simply for the effect of appearing ladylike. Picture a man, coming in to the house, leaning on the counter, arms crossed across his chest, legs spread in a masculine way. A lady, however, should be the opposite. For example, when sitting casually on a couch, tuck your feet together … a man will spread out and take up most of the room, but you should be tucked together nicely and daintily. You may scoff at this, but look at older movies that showcase elegant woman. They do not flop onto couches and spread themselves out … they sit gracefully while still being comfortable.
I also had a friend who had the most beautiful hands – I would notice how she held things … daintily and with gentle calmness. I realized I did not do that with my hands – I was rough, would hurry to finish tasks and was not feminine in my hand movements. Even in the way you use your hands will present you as refined and elegant or, the opposite, masculine and tough. We also have a friend from China and she has taught me a few tips, simply by watching her, in her elegant feminine style. When she hands you a present, she uses both her hands and gently presents it to you. She doesn’t just slap the present on the counter and say “Here you go, thought of you this.”
My daughters have taken a Christian Charm Course and the book taught the girls to place their hands together, folded slightly, when sitting for church services, etc. I have read that females, by nature, are receivers – therefore, our hands are to be placed in a receiving way – hands together, gently turned upwards, while folded on your lap.
💕 Mind your manners.
{a tea party with friends}
Talking with your mouth full, reaching across the table for something you need, leaning on the table with your hands and reach across, picking your teeth, starting to eat before everyone is served — all of this falls under bad manners. We have also noticed in any Jane Austen type movie, the women who are brash and rude often are portrayed as constantly eating and talking with their mouths filled with food. It is not pleasant to watch! Take small bites, take your time eating, don’t stand at the table, but sit and eat a proper meal with your family. NEVER eat out of a chip bag or from the dish itself without serving it onto your plate first.
Thank the one who made the dinner. Push your chair in when you are finished and clear your own plate — better yet, clear something else from the table while you are making your way back to the kitchen. Always help the hostess or your mother – or whoever is serving the meal. The loveliest question a woman who is preparing a meal/dinner can hear is “How may I help?”.
Let’s also avoid scratching oneself in public, playing with your hair, especially at the table setting. Discreetly leave the room if you need to blow your nose and avoid talking about anything to do with your body in public.
These are just three of our starting points! There are, oh so many more, from being courteous to others, treating others with respect and being a clean young lady in your outward appearance … I hope it is an encouragement to being training our daughters the art of being feminine and refined.
P.S. If you want to read more about becoming a refined lady, I would highly suggest the book Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. What a life changer this book has been to me! The book has been updated since the original publishing – while both books are good, the original is the best, if you can find it.
by Gigi
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